Parking Lot Etiquette

by Carson Marino, highlights, Opinion, November 12, 2008

I walk onto the asphalt in the student parking lot and the familiar smell of burning carbon and rubber fills my nostrils. The hot sun shines in my eyes as I walk the same hundred and fifty feet I have walked for almost four years now. For four years I’ve let this go, but I decided to write this article, in the hopes of better education those who choose to put not only my life, but their own, in danger.

Here are some simple rules to comply with, and it will make everyone’s life easier. In the morning, when you pull into the parking lot half asleep, crank your radio to 10 and play the latest Daddy Yankee CD so loud the bass begins to crack your windows. When the security guard comes to tell you to turn it down, just lock your door, he’ll give up eventually. Next make sure you park as uncomfortably close to the car next to you, as to ensure scratches and dents.

When you finally get out of the last class of the day, go to your car, slam on the accelerator; it’s hilarious to watch people dive for their lives. And don’t use your turn signals; it’s better to keep people guessing. When you are able to back out from your parking spot always take your time and turn as slowly as humanly possible. How could I forget, be sure to unnecessarily honk your horn and scream in foreign languages at other people because you decided to cut them off.

In essence, just try to do every possible thing you can to annoy, irritate, If you do make it out of the parking lot alive, be sure to haul ass down the straightaway past the Coral Gables Police Officer, see if you can beat him in a race.

Even if you don’t drive, you can properly participate in parking lot etiquette. When you see a line of cars, walking in front of them, and stop to answer your phone at your leisure. Don’t forget to hold up everyone just because you feel like walking slowly with you boyfriend.

I’m done with this bitch-fest; maybe some of you have learned something. Always remember, seatbelts are for pansies!